BITR: if i could be any cartoon character, who would it be, and why?

eric cartman. that’s all i have to say.

in the land of the juju beans–that’s right–neverland; BITR: Michael Jackson

oh, michael jackson. is there one more made fun of human being on this planet? yes. jeff roberts. but besides him, michael jackson takes the cake. before i go any further, i want to mention that i like MJ. i think he’s at least adding something interesting to this world, even if it does involve juju beans and farse reality-lands. oh, and naming your child blanket is endlessly interesting. HEEAHEE!

certainly michael jackson has a bad rep. he has been scrutinized for his appearance for years upon years [except when he was a cute lil chubby thang singin as easy as 1-2-3] and probably with fair reason. he’s a weird lookin fella. he has this flowy, sort of artsy foreign dude haircut, with a crazy nose and cheekbones so defined that i can’t figure out where he finds room to put food in his mouth. the guy looks like an alien.

but that’s not the seemingly worse thing about him. apparently he has relations with little boys. now, i completely doubted this from the beginning as the families of the kids could easily get tons of money out of the guy, but really, he’s weird enough that it might make sense. i mean, think about it. you have to tell an interesting fact about yourself on the first day of school, and all you can think about is, “michael jackson raped me in neverland.” WHAT THE HECK. that is the worst kind of damage. the worst. so to even claim it must be damaging enough!

BUT. but. i think i have a better explanation that would offer some insight into the situation. michael jackson is not a freak. he is not a pervert and he is not a creep. michael jackson is an alien. that’s correct. he looks just like one. he abducts [sort of] and probes children [not sort of]. it is the only thing that ties all the loose ends together.

he is probably just a very lonely alien who found himself well liked among humans so he decided to stay here. or maybe he was neglected when he was a young alien and was forced to move here and live among the heathen humans. or maybe he’s just some guy who really just wants to be with children in neverland and have no one bother him about it. but if the former is true, i really, really hope he doesn’t plan to use his secret alien technology to seek revenge on us all, because seriously, that would be the most major pwnage in all of history.

SATANNICA: information on all things satanic

THE BASEMENT ACTIVISTS (kúlt-íšts):

(see also nutty, phony, terrifying, freaking annoying, etc.)

if you’ve ever been outside during the summer chatting with friends, mowing the grass, working on a car, playing soccer, skateboarding, grilling out, or anything else that requires you to be outside for a while, then you know gnats are practically the spawn of satan. these little bugs fly around in your face—specifically in front of your eyes—till you think you are going to just give up on whatever you might be doing and go back inside. it’s like their only goal in life is to fly around as close to your face as they can without touching you. gnats really suck.

today i was practically hounded by a girl who represents the basement. she tried to get to know me before class, randomly tossing in that she goes to church a lot and blah blah into the conversation. i didn’t think much of it until she started to ask everyone about themselves, then a light went on in my head. i thought, i know exactly what she intends to do with these conversations, and i ended up being right.

we went around and told about ourselves, mentioning our siblings or hobbies or whatever, and then it got to her, and she talked about how she got saved and goes to the basement. of course she does, i thought. it was humorous at the very least so i didn’t think much of it.

but she didn’t stop talking about it. she invited the entire class to the basement and was so0o0o0o excited about the cult—i mean, church—she belongs to. unfortunately for me, we ended up having the same major, so at the end of class she lingered until i passed and started asking me why i wanted to change mine from english. i explained that i don’t care at all about themes of stories or the structure of a poem or any of that, and she told me all about how much she loves it. which was fine. she was being nice. but then she kind of wouldn’t let me leave. everyone was out of the room except for myself, the teacher, and Basement. eventually i managed to get out of there in an attempt to save the “no, the basement isn’t really for me,” conversation i knew was coming.

look, i don’t mind the basement. i know it exists. i choose not to go for many reasons but i don’t hate the people or the place. but don’t, every time i have a class, attack me with your testimony and try to get me saved without knowing if i’ve already got that end of my life in motion.

basement activists are the equivalent of gnats buzzing around in your face. they want something when they talk to you. they want you to come to the basement. they want to recruit you to be a gnat. and they are persistent. they will invite you repeatedly, and throw in little stories about the basement [that are practically irrelevant to the conversation] to show you how cool the place is.

and sure, it may be cool. it may be a really great place to go. a lot of people there probably love jesus and they are probably doing great things. but for the love. please don’t get to know me with the sole intent of recruiting me to your little swarm. get to know me because you want to be my friend.

you extreme basement activists are seemingly good intended people with absolutely no tact, and, because of how annoying you are, activists, you might as well be satanists.

summer is almost officially over for me. these are my last few days. i feel like i’m scraping the bowl [i wrote bowel on accident at first] for a good way to end this summer with a bang. my best idea? watching the olympics in my underwear. i am easily the most creative person you will ever come across. [save the compliments, please. really. i’m so used to being flattered that your words will roll off me like water off a duck’s back.]

the only reason summer is almost over is because school is about to start. otherwise, in my opinion, summer does not end. i took a year off from school from 06 to 07 and it was like constant summer. even when it was cold. even when it SNOWED. most unproductive year of my life, but hey, that’s summer.

i go to jeffstate—high school number two. the entire campus looks so similar to pinson valley high that i am often late for class trying to find my locker. sometimes i sit at my desk long after the class is over waiting on the bell to ring so i can leave without seeing my name on a pink slip. [there were so many write-up sheets with my name on them in high school that i’m pretty sure the principal started wiping her rear with ’em to save money.]

although my high school past is so beyond awkward that revisiting the embarrassing stories seems like the worst part, it’s not. the very worst part about jeffstate community college is some teachers STILL make you stand up in front of the class on the first day and say an interesting fact. for some people more interesting than i, this is cake. for me, this is just plain awkward. i usually revert back to the ever-solid “i am left-handed” but you can only say that so many times before you have the words “i am incredibly boring” repeating over and over in your head. this is not healthy.

in an attempt to be awesome this semester, i am going to move past being boring. i’m going to come up with a great interesting fact. this is my list so far:

“i think i am addicted to almost swear words. like shat, hades, anus, frig, and beeyotch.” [okay, i don’t say beeyotch, thank the holy high heavens.]

“my brother says i have the same personality as my dog.” and he’s right.

“my brother says that i’m going to grow up to be one of those crazy single women who have random things all around her front yard.” [i.e. a bunch of hubcaps in the shape of an elephant; a butterfly garden; a bike made out of car parts.]

“i only wear catholic jewelry. i am not catholic at all.” but st. christopher is just so cute.

“once this kid who isn’t mentally… together asked me on a date and i told him that if my arm was a blade i would do this.” and when i said “this,” i put my arm out and hit him in the neck.

a pretty solid list, if i do say so myself. i’m still working on it, though, so if anyone has any suggestions i am completely open to them. i WILL be awesome if it’s the hardest i try on anything school related!

today i went with jake and david, two of my best friends, to oak mountain state park. the last time i went we got to meet a mutant deer goat thing and we went back with intentions of finding it again. the petting zoo was closed by the time we got there, unfortunately, so we decided to just drive around, eventually landing our feet on the dark brown sand of the oak mountain “beach”. we rolled up our pants and decided to step in the water to see the temperature. (everybody [in alabama] knows nobody sane goes near a body of water and doesnt put their feet in.) it felt so good we just got right in. in our jeans. with nothing to change into and no real worries about it. the water felt incredible and i laid on my back and breathed deep and could only think about how good it felt to be there, in all my clothes, with my best friends.

you are not the sun

i believe i have glass in my foot. it hurts worse every day. isn’t your body supposed to naturally push that stuff out? what if its a fairly big piece? we shall see. i will keep you updated..

i cannot for the life of me stop listening to brand new’s “the devil and god are raging inside me”. every time i think to put on something a little more summeresque i realize i don’t have the desire to change it from such awesome music to something like MGMT or kanye west. not that mgmt or kanye aren’t well deserving of my ears–they are. it’s just i feel like i’m getting somewhere when i listen to the devil and god are raging inside me. i listened to Not the Sun on repeat during the entire span of my twenty minute drive from pinson to my house, and i think i’ve done that with just about every song, minus the interlude.

also, i am disgustingly obsessed with pizza these days. the day before last i ate a little caesar’s 5 dollar pizza for either lunch or dinner, and yesterday had hungry howie’s [delicious] cheese pizza with cajun crust for dinner, snack, snack, and breakfast this morning. there are 3 pieces left and i fully intend to eat them for my 2nd dinner tonight.

i saw the dark knight last night and it was just as incredible as everyone has made it out to be. made me sad that heath ledger is gone, because he is well deserving of the fruition from the great acting he did.

today amanda and i found a dead crawfish floating in turkey creek near the rock we were sitting on, so i named it alan and played with it for a while. with a stick. those things are so ugly.

BITR: Do you believe in ghosts, aliens, or both/neither?

there are a few things you may not know about me, whoever “you” are.

1. i can spell anything.
2. i dont like processed meat.
3. i am a cryptozoologist.

the most important of these being the third. obviously. i am a cryptozoologist. freelance. i don’t get paid. but i am endlessly interested in things that could potentially exist. like bigfoot. the other night i was on bfro.net for several hours getting psyched about bigfoot. not only did i get psyched, i got terrified. i had to turn off the computer and go to sleep. with the tv on. pathetic.

from what i’ve read/learned, bigfoot could really exist. there are way too many accounts of people out in the woods experiencing very similar things involving a large man/gorilla 6 to 11 feet tall. they actually describe the hair color and size of the giants they see similarly depending on the region, as well as the movement and actions of this beast.

i don’t know if ghosts would be considered cryptids [im thinking not], but i guess i’m equally as interested in them as i am bigfoot. in my lifetime, i’ve had some very strange happenings that i sincerely cannot explain. i won’t go into them but there is absolutely no logical explanation for a single one. do i think ghosts are behind them? i’m not sure.

i like to go ghost hunting. my brother thinks it’s weird. which, well, it probably is. i’ve gone to sloss late at night a plethora of times, as well as this crazy bridge [went there last night], and many other spots. nothing really ever happens aside from us all getting pretty freaked out and feeling uneasy, which, i’m assuming, is what keeps us going back.

i just have a very vast curiosity about all things in life, and things that might exist but don’t for sure probe my curiosity until i don’t know if i can function without knowing the truth. but the question is do i believe in ghosts? and my answer is definitely undeclared. i’ve never been approached by a wraith while i was lying in my bed, or watched a plate get thrown across the room out of nowhere, or heard a lone piano playing. until there’s more verification, i don’t put my whole weight into it. just a foot. enough to be curious and still have doubts.

a few months back i got way too excited when i heard the UK released their full information about aliens to the public. [http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/uk_news/7398108.stm if you want to read the story.] i actually spent an extended amount of time on the national archives website reading the records. aliens, to me, are kind of annoying to hear about. i’ve never seen a UFO or heard a legitimate tale of one. someone might mention roswell, but that whole situation is cloudy due to conspiracy theorists and mystics. i don’t know what was in hangar 18, i hold no explanation to what the witnesses saw, but really, i don’t care. for all we know japan has come up with a super speedy intelligently designed secret aircraft and is dropping invisible bombs all over our country that will make us buy nintendo wiis.

the reason i am more openminded about ghosts is because who doesn’t have or know someone with a ghost story? no one. but who has seen an alien? not any person i’ve met. i think they’re government run creatures. like mutant asians who drive ninja jets. no, i do not believe in aliens. and i don’t think i ever will.