i have a really hard time forgetting blogger is not livejournal and on here im supposed to say things that matter. but most of the time i dont have much to say that would matter to anyone but me.

but its been a good weekend so far. ive seen a lot of people i love and that makes me feel better than most anything else would. im still the type of person who only wants a few friends. close friends. and it seems like im hardly close to anyone and i have a million other friends that i can sit around and joke with and talk about birmingham with but thats the extent of it. the art of conversation is a great thing nonetheless.

had an intense drive home tonight. sometimes i dont know if i “get it” at all… but then other times i feel like im standing on the biggest secret in the world.

my brain is really tired tonight and i dont feel much like saying anything at all so go see across the universe and your life will automatically improve. im lying though.

im truly lucky to know the people that are in my life.

everything gains wear and tear. everything sits on a coffeetable too long to collect dust and circular waves from friendly drinks and the conversation that follows. life is a form of erosion that they dont put in science books.

only in the past week, ive had some conversations i didnt wanna have, i’ve put up with people i didnt want to look at, and i’ve received low blows by people that tend to mean every word they say. we all have before. and its sad because sometimes what we need the most is for someone to just have faith in us.

we long for the breaks in life, and they very rarely if ever come, so sometimes people come for us instead, but usually they dont.

sometimes you might know someone for years upon years and then realize you dont know them at all, and they dont know you either.

and sometimes you want it to rain but the sun just stays out, and you feel bad because youre supposed to prefer sunlight over bad weather.

and sometimes trying to fix things really just makes them worse.

i dont live my life to correct my fellow man. i want to learn to look kindly upon the failing of my neighbor, to forgive as often as i have to, to appreciate each and every shortcoming in those that i come in contact with. i want to be more than an acquaintance to most people. i want to engage, to connect, to be inspired by the people i know.

i saw my neighbor growing up, my best friend and my confidant in every way, a few months back. she looked so happy to see me. she hugged me and asked me how i was and the whole atmosphere was warm. i wish life felt like that all the time. like youre seeing an old friend for the first time in years. like you belong where you are in the presence of those youre with every second of every day. like youre welcome in every conversation and in every circle of friends. unfortunately, we learn early on that life is not this way, and we do everything we can to shield ourselves from the stares of judgmental people and the words of anyone looking to offend us.

but sometimes, in the most unexpected ways, we find peace. sometimes watching dixie hop around in the grass because she loves being outside is one of the most innocent and good things i know, as strange as it might sound. and sometimes when im in the car with a friend and we arent saying anything i find that i enjoy their company more than anything in the whole world. and sometimes my mom bakes brownies and they seem to fix any problem i can think up in my head, because brownies are a girl’s best friend no matter who isn’t. i know there’s a lot at stake in the world, and i know we’ve got a really long way to go, but as long as we’re getting there, i think everything’s gonna be alright.

p.s. matt should write more blogs.

lately i’ve come to the realization that i’m not cool. i hang out with certain people that i think really are cool. they like the right music and wear the right clothes and theyre nice to everyone. those people are ‘cool’ to most people. i spent a lot of time with some kids a few weekends ago and i realized that im not cool at all. i read too much. i play dork video games. i dont like rap. or shows like the oc. im not a good eighteen year old. im just not cool. but i dont think i care. because if God is real then thats the best news i’ve ever heard and whether i’m cool or cute or funny really doesn’t matter at all. because God is real. and i’m fine.

today was well-spent. matt and i got to go to the mcwayne center with andy, april, abbey, drew, and kate rickles. we played with scientific toys – screens that let butterflies land on you, rooms that make one person look huge and the other tiny, we made dinosaur invasion movies that end with whales coming out of the sky. i screamed while reaching my arm into an aquarium and touching a fish which resulted in water all over myself and abbey. we also saw an imax movie [those are cool and futuristic] about cajun people and the wetlands of new orleans.

after that we headed back over to the church for the 5:30 “conversation” or whatever it’s called. is there a name? anyway, i love nooma videos and the discussions that follow. i wish more people came, though. i dont like feeling overpowering because i choose to engage in the discussion, for the younger ones that dont. before the service, though, we all sat in the grass in front of the church and watched the kids run around. the weather was great today and it was nice to be in the presence of those i was with.

now it’s 5:38 AM and i’m kind of lonely but not really and i’m probably not going to sleep for another few hours. i’ve got dixie and some seasons of south park so it’s a good night. or morning.