it’s as pretty as it is cruel

i think i must have bad judgment or something. or sometimes i just dont care. it seems like the same things continue to happen to me. you’d think eventually i’d learn, but it keeps changing shapes on me. and you’d think eventually i’d get very lonely, but i always bounce back. fast, too. i think the dam has to break continually in life. the good thing is, im used to that now.

sometimes i wish i could go back to when i was a kid and the strange fence in the woods behind my house was the biggest mystery out there. i miss pretending i was a mermaid or a princess or someone really beautiful and important and it was never strange. i miss being romanced by the fireflies or the moon or the picture of leonardo dicaprio i had on my wall. sometimes that feeling still finds me. and its still just as childish and far-fetched as ever. why cant real life be so romantic. every girl still wants to be someone’s leading lady and every guy wants to be someone’s hero.

sometimes it feels like bad is beating good. it feels like bad is fighting harder than good ever was. i seem to hear bad more than i hear good. bad’s voice is much more audible. but i dont think i care anymore. i think im jumping in anyway. i know it’s cold. i know i cant hold my breath very long. im jumping.

summer days

i remember when i used to update this thing almost every day. in that time my life consisted of sitting on the back porch at the house, reading a book, writing things down, and playing with my dog. thats literally the extent of it. oh, and tombstone pizzas. love those. it seems like now i can barely get a breath in. im very rarely at home anymore.

the mid-latter part of the summer has been about a hundred times busier. i’ve been to cook outs, i’ve swam in lakes and jumped off high things into water, had a few wii parties at jake’s, i’ve eaten out with my mom and brother a whole heckuva lot, did the whole moving thing, got a speeding ticket, learned the power of forgiveness, went to six flags and a braves game in the same day, found myself at pizza hut a few too many times with aimee and kev, finally saw little river canyon, built a bonfire with jake’s schoolbooks after he graduated, had some very good conversations, ive spent a lot of time with stephen since he’s been in town, experienced disneyworld, talked on the phone until dawn a few times, been running around the house with dixie, ventured up to chattanooga spontaneously with my mom, ive been fishing with my dad, whatever else i’ve done. its all been really great. im glad to have spent the time i have with the people i have thus far.

its hard to update when things are going predominantly well for me. i think i feel more now than ever that im where i am supposed to be in life. with as many backroads as ive taken, it takes a lot to admit that, but i really believe its true. im just enjoying things. take it as a month-long sabbath or something. summer is the time to be laid back.

i dont want medication

don’t lie to me
tell me something true
’cause i’m only free
when i look at you

and you look so good it hurts
and love, i come undone

but i don’t want medication
just give me liberation
even if it cuts my legs right out from underneath
don’t give me medication
i want the real sensation
even when living feels just like death to me

so don’t paint my face
i need to see the scars
so i don’t forget
the back of my tutor’s arm

’cause i just can’t keep it straight
which kills and which one saves

‘cause the truth is i need you just like the air i breathe
just like a freight train needs the tracks beneath
i’d rather suffer my whole life and be this rich man’s wife
if loving you means suffering
[derek webb – medication]

guess that’s exactly how i’m feeling right now. i realize the extent i need Jesus more and more every day. the further i learn about the depths of myself the more desperate i become. and i think that’s okay.

take my advice

if you havent heard iron and wine’s new song “boy with a coin” – you MUST.

http://myspace.com/ironandwine

what if im heavy?

today we got our internet hooked up at my dad’s house. [not sure if i mentioned this but we’re living there now.] ive been missing the blog-world.

since we moved in, i haven’t slept much at all. i’ve been having a really hard time with a lot of things since we came here. i guess, when one thing gets shaken up a bit, i feel like i have to re-evaluate everything. even myself. sometimes im so sure of myself, other times im not sure of my place anywhere. it’s stupid, really, because i dont want my world to revolve around where i feel like i stand with everything else, but im so tired of second-guessing myself. im tired of feeling like i have to censor myself around certain people because im afraid they’ll look down on me. even some of my friends. no, especially some of my friends. i hate feeling like a burden sometimes when i dont feel good and i dont want to act like life is always okay. i shouldnt feel like anyone’s burden for that, but i always do. the truth is, i’m really tired of tip-toeing around people’s emotions. and i’m not saying this to sound like i’m super tough [look at me] or whatever. i’m saying this because i want to be an honest person. all the time. so you don’t have to question my motives. i dont want to be a questionable person. and i’m not going to be.

one specific example is my past. i dont like the things ive done, im not proud of the person that i was, and i would do almost anything for nobody to remember that part of me, but i can’t. and i can’t keep hiding from it. i was who i was, but i changed, by the grace of God, and i am who i am now. i should be proud i’ve come this far, but most of the time i’m just not.

there’s this great quote in wild at heart by john elderedge that says “let people feel the weight of who you are and let them deal with it.” i’ve been thinking about that every day. i don’t want to be fake happy when i feel like crap. and i dont want to act sure of myself when i’m not at all. basically, im not going to live my life walking in step with the pressures of what a stable, happy, strong person is supposed to look like. sometimes i dont think clearly, sometimes im not happy, and sometimes i think im the weakest person on the planet.

so freaking what.

im going to let people feel the weight of who i am and let them deal with it. and thats when i can begin to live from the inside out rather than from the outside in.

thats the kind of person i want to be.

i swim in it as in a sea

it’s been a really, really crappy week. i’ve hardly slept, been kind of depressed about all sorts of things, and bad things have been happening left and right. sometimes that stuff seems so unrelenting. sometimes i dont know how to handle life at all even when nothing’s wrong. and i wonder where the peace of God is in times like these.

then i go to kate rickles’ birthday party. and nothing special really has to happen. i just have to be around the people i care about. and there’s community. and then i hang out with jake and trent. and there’s more community. and we can sit around and talk or trip each other when we’re walking down the stairs or make fun of jake’s hair and laugh about practically everything. and i realize i’m surrounded by people that i love.

im reminded of an exerpt from walt whitman’s poem “i sing the body electric”:

“i have perceiv’d that to be with those i like is enough,
to stop in company with the rest at evening is enough,
to be surrounded by beautiful, curious, breathing, laughing flesh is enough,
to pass among them or touch any one or rest my arm ever so lightly round his or her neck for a moment, what is this, then?
i do not ask any more delight, i swim in it as in a sea.”

when im with my friends, i feel the love of God.
even when i feel like crap.

and that’s enough.