uninspiring million dollar musicians

as bad as the music on the radio WAS, i turned on 103.7 today and found its only getting worse.

ooooh well, i just appreciate the people who continue to write good music and struggle to feed their families that much more.

little river canyon

today my mom, matt, and i went up to little river canyon. we did an, i’d say, pretty hard hike. we also went to sequoyah caverns. it was all pretty fun. i couldnt get very many good pictures in the cave, so i dont have any evidence, but there were these reflection pools that are basically little ponds that are only a few inches deep themselves but are filled with magnesium on the bottom which is black, so the water looks like it forms a reflection, making wherever you’re walking look like there is some great fall. it was really awesome. sometimes i would have to catch my breath because i thought i was standing on a bridge or something and i could fall about twenty feet down if i slipped, when really it was just an eight inch pool of water. it was really great. i recommend it to anyone.

i also recommend cracker barrel to anyone. i think it’s either my brother’s favorite or one of his favorite restaurants because he makes us go there all the time. we went there twice today. it was a little ridiculous. most of the time i’m not in the mood because we have to go so much, but today i discovered the homemade strawberry shortcake, and i must say, it was delicious.

lately i’ve come to the conclusion that i want to go east somewhere and do some sort of mission work. i really dont think i’d ever be happy doing anything else. if only for a few months or for the rest of my life, i know it’s something i want to do. i want to sit by the side of a dying aids victim and cry with them, or play with an orphaned child somewhere in the jungles of africa. i want to sit around a campfire and listen to them sing their songs in a language i dont understand, eat some rice and listen to their stories. i think it would be incredible to learn how to love those people. my mom thinks i should be looking into careers that will help me later on in life and, though that’s smart, my thoughts are and probably always will be on the people that really, really need, not what i need to add to the pile of stuff i already have. im going to go to college, but im not sure i can go right now. the thing about all this ambition is i dont know how to get into all that. how to go over there and help anyone. its all very wide open. i know i need a church to support me and a group to go with but i dont know where to find it. i just know i have a very strong desire to be with those people, down in the dirt with them, and i know i have to do something about it. so if anyone knows how to go about it, if you could email me at theinnerpattern@msn.com, that would be great. im very versatile. i’d go to china where i could be killed or i’d go to somewhere that will welcome me with open arms. i’ll do anything. it’s less of a want and more of a need right now, so any information and advice would be greatly appreciated.

the strongest sperm

when i sit down to write, i feel like the world is in orbit around me, people walking by, phones ringing, music playing, and i am completely oblivious to every bit of it. i feel that the world is rotating with its 22.2 degree tilt and i am completely still in the midst of it all. it’s a pretty great feeling, to say the least.

if you want to know the truth about you and me, it’s that we are people made up of experiences, built by what we’ve learned, shaped by words and stories. i think i’m more astounded by humanity every day. for the fact that… every man and woman and child truly is a miracle in itself. think about the birth process. there is conception which is supposed to stem from a husband and wife that love one another, basically, sharing that love and bonding with one another. with that, the strongest of the tiniest little sperm swim for the egg and it’s basically a survival of the fittest kind of game. you and i, we were the strongest sperm. i have no reason to feel weak ever because i beat 200 to 500 million other sperm in the race. nobody can say they arent a winner now. anyway, the strongest one survives, meets the egg, a baby is formed. the woman gets pregnant and her belly grows and she learns to stop sleeping on her stomach and gets sick sometimes. then, after many doctors and lots of anxious and hard nights, she has the baby.

the baby gets stared at and held a lot and doesnt understand much of anything. then the baby will learn to sort of speak and he will learn to call his parents mom and dad, then his tiny back will have grown strong enough to be able to crawl, then his legs strong enough to walk. eventually, the baby will be so good at walking, he will be able to run, run away if he chooses, run to his parents’ comforting arms, run with his friends on the playground, and run in his first baseball game. he will continue to grow, his body maturing, adapting, growing stronger. he will eventually marry and start the cycle over again. nurturing a new baby, grabbing her by the hands and teaching her how to walk, and later, the man will grow old, deplete a little bit, and die. it is such a beautiful and miraculous process.

i think the quote by whitman “And your very flesh shall be a great poem” grows more incredible to me with each passing day. i think each one of us, the fact that we were the strongest sperm, should be celebrating what we are, how precious we are, and how precious one another is. maybe this is just one of those night time i’ve been thinking too much blogs but i don’t know, it seems like an interesting element has been out of play for some time. the element of life. the beauty of the cycle. we grow, and grow, and grow, as if there will be a firework explosion when we die, as if life is building up to an incredible ending, the ultimate song, the final dance. i think the ending is really a beginning, that the song is everlasting, and the dance is not a finale. what’s sad is most people don’t even think about it. don’t even wonder why they grow. dont even ask what they’re building up to be. we’re people to carry on the tradition of life. apparently life is important.

so i wish you the best in this world, that your growth will be cradled by a life of experiences, your life a brilliant song to be sung to your children and theirs, to be shouted back at life when you are gone. i hope to die my hands tired from carrying my children, my back tired from being hunched over books, my feet tired from being too proud to stop, knowing, whether im the only one who can tell it or not, it made a great story, and i was the strongest sperm.

change, moving, growing up, whatever it is

something that keeps me going every day is the thought that a lot of really beautiful things are ahead. moments that will feel perfect. that every element in play is playing its part and its playing its part well. ive already had a few of those, and they’re some of the most prominent ones in the whole bunch. even the bad memories, i cant wait to see what they are. i mean thats the core of life isnt it? moments, memories. when you age, it’s all there is to remind you of the journey. the easy steps as well as the steps you felt like you would never take. your mind will take you back, throw you back into the fire of an argument, but your heart will be a different shape than it was then, your life the contour of something entirely different. something new. looking back and seeing how far you’ve come certainly has to be a blessing in itself. it already is for me, and i’m only 18 years old. i can’t imagine what it will be like when i’m in my [hopefully] seventies or so.

i guess the main reason im thinking about this is because every time i leave or come home to my house, i see a big for sale sign in the front yard. its evidence enough things are changing, and i feel like i want to take everything i have now with me to whatever place i may end up.

someday ill be somewhere else, and ill think back on my house in pinson, alabama, and ill remember the way i used to sit in my parents’ closet because i loved the smell of their leather shoes, and ill remember the bed my brother used to powerbomb me onto because, believe it or not, we were both nwo-wcw fanatics. ill remember the rock counter and how that one rock always falls out when you knock it. ill remember the guitars and equipment being all over the house from my brother’s musical endeavors. i’ll remember the times i sat by my window crying for hours, praying to God life would stop being so hard. i’ll remember when my dad used to shoot fireworks on july 4th out of the backyard, and we’d invite our neighbor and good friend alan over, because alan is awesome. i’ll remember when i’d lie in bed and hate myself because i made some stupid mistake or said something really dumb in front of someone cool. i’ll remember when aimee would come over and we would sit and talk about boys we liked. i’ll remember the times when my brother and i would unintentionally get into some conversation about the bible or a belief and we’d sit in the hallway or downstairs in the living room and talk for longer than we ever meant to. i’ll remember the way my mom’s bathroom always smelled so good and mine and matt’s just smelled… well, weird. there are an endless amount of things i hope i never forget about my youth. but, just as i am dreaming now of children and a family and a life, one day i will be holding my children and listening to my husband’s voice and i’ll remember the times when that was all i wanted. obtaining all of that requires a pretty extensive amount of change and willingness in me as a person. sacrifice. so, when before the for sale sign seemed like a negative reminder, maybe now i can look at it and imagine it as a closer step into the life that i hope for. a symbol for change for the better, for growth. i need to grow, and who can argue that newness isn’t the best way? i mean, it’s time for me to get uprooted, so i can plant myself somewhere else, grow, and learn from each new setting i encounter.

a wayward path

so, let’s get something straight. if i said i followed ozzy osbourne, that he was my hero, chances are, i would try to look and act like him. first, i would start stuttering and trying to speak but not exactly succeeding. second, i would bite the heads off of bats and birds to look intimidating and cool when really im just a very sick human being. third, i would do so many drugs that my brain turns to mush. and fourth, i would forget how to walk correctly. these are all implications of who i am following – mr. osbourne.

now i must say this is written with a specific group of people in mind, because i believe in them, and i hope this does not seem like an attack as much as it does an encouragement. so what about Jesus? what are the implications of a person following him?

what it would look like to see someone following Jesus, is seeing someone act out forgiveness, kindness, love for their enemies, inclusion, etc. there are a tremendous amount of characteristics, but it all boils down to one: love.

i just left a church that i dont believe knew quite how to love. they loved one another, but that was it. if you were not like them, basically, you weren’t welcome. it’s been called this a few times, but it truly is a country club. it’s a very exclusive church. i went there my whole life and never felt like they cared too much for me. maybe cause i dont think like a southern baptist or i just dont see the need to wear a hundred dollar dress to church on sunday, i dont know, but i think that’s entirely missing the point of Jesus. it was a fiery finish for those of us that left, and some at that church are apparently still a little touchy about it, but we went quietly, didn’t run around talking to the world about it, and we’ve moved on. sometimes you have to cut the dead branches off to keep growing, and that church was certainly a dead branch. well, we encountered a few of the members the other night, and they were just cold to us. it was obvious they’re still pretty pissed off about it all, and i truly, truly think that is just opposite of Jesus. i do. its pathetic for two groups of people bound by one truth to hold grudges against one another. if any of you are reading this, we would be entirely receptive to you if you wanted to reconcile things. we still all love you. we talk about it all the time. we still all miss you, and we’ve made that very clear to you. i know we were close, but that situation is over, and its time to rebuild.

“You have heard that it was said to those of old, ‘You shall not murder; and whoever murders will be liable to judgment.’ But I say to you that everyone who is angry with his brother will be liable to judgment; whoever insults his brother will be liable to the council; and whoever says, ‘You fool!’ will be liable to the hell of fire. So if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother has something against you, leave your gift there before the altar and go. First be reconciled to your brother, and then come and offer your gift.” Matthew 5: 21-24

so lets do this. lets be reconciled. we dont have to hang out like we used to. we dont even have to be great friends, just stop being angry with us. we did what we believe is right, just as you think youre doing what is right. we both serve the same God and we have a call to love one another that should be much more powerful than being offended that a few people left your church for whatever reason. our love for Jesus should be much more important than our love for ourselves and our situations.

insomnia? eh?…eh?

guess it’s safe to say im doing the insomnia thing again. it happens about five times a year for me. i aint gonna lie, its been a pretty dang crappy day. in fact, despite the derek webb/andrew osenga/alli rogers show last night [andrew osenga liked my hat, i must mention], the past few days have been less than great. i find myself lying in bed for hours at a time talking to God and asking him why this and why that and if he’ll be more prevalent in all my problems. in my entire life, really. my brain just wont slow down. not ever. not even when im sleeping. for goodness sake, i have the most vivid and long dreams every single night. theyre so common theyre not even worth mentioning. in fact, last night i dreamt i was running from some workers in a lab because i rebelled against them or something, and ended up finding a tank with a live and very large fish in it with a skull for a head. this is totally normal for me. its like sometimes i get so caught up in all this junk in my head that i forget how to enjoy anything. im always too busy analyzing it.

my aunt is kind of having a hard time right now. and rightfully so. a lot of really bad things have been happening to her for the past year or so, and some she caused on her own, others are just unfair. well my mom and grandma tried to talk to her when she was feeling down to make her feel better and they kept saying there are people who have it so much worse. there are but that will NEVER make a sad person look on the bright side of things. sometimes, when youre in a hole, you just need someone to get down in the hole with you, grab your hand, and you can climb out together. if my aunt was here i bet we would be holding hands. not really, i think that would just be kind of awkward…

when i think about life, two things pop into my mind. the first is that im living in a really beautiful world with really great creatures everywhere and a ton of opportunity. i like the days when life feels like that. feels like im breathing for the first time or something. other times i feel more like an innocent child thrown into the heart of a war that i cant possibly understand. like my feet once knew glory and now theyre pacing through the rubble of a tragic battle. the more that i learn, the more i see i dont understand. seems like everything sometimes.

i know its really pathetic to sit around and whine about something i dont even know the origin of, but talking politics is just as pathetic, right? maybe not, but both conversations are very open ended and inconclusive. thats what i think anyhow.

maybe all i need is a good swim in turkey creek, or a backrub, or a really good conversation. a conversation with some crazy breakthrough. i love those. yeah, thats exactly what i need. a dang breakthrough.

i have finally figured it out

ok, picture this.

im driving a 94 honda accord es station wagon. its an off-white color or maybe dark green. a little bit of mud on the tires. not from mud riding, of course, just from… being rugged. im driving somewhere in colorado near a river or in the mountains. who cares, im driving. im listening to kings of leon. all 34 of the windows in the car are down. im wearing rolled up jeans and a tank top. my hair’s down and its flying everywhere. dixie’s in the passenger seat with her head out the window. tongue hanging out. my cell phone is in the very, very back of the car under some clothes or trash because i am in colorado and i dont need to talk to anyone. my left foot is out the window. im on my way to camp in the mountains somewhere or to eat in a local diner that smells like cigarette smoke. im drinking bottled water with the label ripped off. im thinking about how much i love the kings of leon. im taking pictures of dixie while i drive. its perfect. im not kidding, i think thats sort of my dream….

direction, destination

i dont know what to say today. i didnt know what to say yesterday. sometimes life feels like it cant mess with you externally so it decides to go inside and screw with your emotions somehow. i dont know what it is, but these past few days ive felt so worn out. i think i was on this “new idea” high and now im at the point where i start doubting myself or something. lately all i feel like doing is sitting outside and just trying to take it all in.

i guess i dont know what i want these days, but i know i dont want to feel like im just trying to ignore something bad.

i battle myself every single day. one of my biggest weaknesses is i find so much wrong with humanity, with people everywhere. its not that im walking into a room and saying “oh, her shirt is HIDEOUS” or whatever, it’s that i hear all the time about a person who was murdered or a statement about the war or whatever and i think, man, people are so bad. i really act like im above making any of those mistakes, which im not. at the derek webb show the other day he said that you have to believe all the ingredients of your heart mixed in a certain way can make you capable of doing the most awful things. its true. no person is above murder or rape or whatever. seriously. its not in what you are that makes you above that, because what you are is a terribly mixed up mess of a human. but, just as we are capable of doing any number of bad things, so are we capable of doing incredibly good and beautiful things. our inner workings were created with both good and evil branches shooting up everywhere. we are capable of both all the time, any time, christian or non-christian.

i just want a little bit of renewal these days. i think, for my own selfish desire, i want to feel like im affecting something. anything at all. i think i want to feel like i have a tiny little inch of purpose right now even in the smallest way in someone’s life or in anything. i want to wake up in the morning and have more of a reason to keep going other than the fact that im just too scared to stop. im not saying i want to die, im saying while im alive, i want to know that i did whatever i could to help life rather than just tear it down. that i loved someone as best i could whether they loved me back as much or not. i want to have children and believe in them so much that they never have to doubt themselves. i want to marry someone and care more about his well-being that i completely forget my own needs. i want to be someone’s support system, someone’s home, someone’s assurance. the way you love is what is going to matter ultimately. i believe that.

i asked a friend what she wanted out of life earlier tonight and she didnt know. she said she thought she might like to get married one day, but other than that, she didnt know. it seems so crazy to keep waking up every day not knowing what you want out of life. and im not saying its wrong, i just dont know how a person could do something and not know why. i dont know everything i want out of life. im still figuring that out as i go along, but i have an outline of it. some days im more sure of it, others im not. these past few days im not, but that doesnt mean im stopping or even slowing down. im excited for my life. terribly excited. i know its going to be beautiful. im going to grow in ways i could never have imagined. im going to have the richest moments tucked into my mind. its going to be really great. it already has been. and i find comfort in that. you can too. your life is going to be beautiful and quite a story if you believe it will be.

finding out what you want out of life is so entirely important in how your life will turn out. if you want love, you will run around looking for it. if you want adventure [meeeee], you will run around looking for it. if you want tragedy [drama], you will run around looking for it. all of these will be found. your direction is most likely your destination.

take care,
steph

hear me, dont judge me

“find a friend and stay close and with a melting heart tell them whatever you’re most ashamed of- our parents have made so many mistakes. may we forgive them and forgive ourselves.” -from “the sun and the moon” by mewithoutyou

its important to have someone you can be totally honest with. ya know, that person you can tell your secrets to so you wont be carrying them alone anymore. i dont think i can even really understand how important that is at this point. humans werent built to be reclusive and unknown and mysterious. we were meant to share ourselves with others. even the ugly parts. the parts we, ourselves, are entirely ashamed of. things we would rather not connect our identities to.

a friend once told me that being heard without judgment is healing. i believe shes right.

life is beautiful

sometimes i feel like im moving backward. i dont really know why or how to explain it, but it feels like there’s a lot of undoing in my life… a lot of things becoming untangled that’ve been that way for a long, long time. i feel more at ease with everything. nothing has gotten easier, really. i still have heavy things on my mind a lot of the time. i mean, none of the problems have gone away, if anything i’m gaining more every day, but i feel more than good about everything. i feel so much like God loves me these days. i prayed last week when i was feeling a little down that i would know undeniably that God loves me. i know it’s silly to doubt that, but sometimes you just want to hear it… sometimes it’s nice to just hear someone say it for no reason. i feel that way now. i feel cared for, protected, and loved. it’s so nice. i feel at peace with the world, with God, and with myself. that if i died, i would be at peace with my life. it’s so strange… my life is so unfinished, but i dont think finishing is the point in being alive anyway.

im tired so im not going to say much on these two things, but on monday jake and i climbed cedar mountain and we ended up bloody and beaten up, and then yesterday some of us ventured up to manchester, tennessee to see alli rogers, sandra macracken, and derek webb play. all good highlights of the week. also! our family got a new dig. camera so im going to start taking stupid and probably pointless pictures all the time and perhaps putting a few on here every now and then.

i think i believe my life is more beautiful every single day. from eating with my family to driving with the windows down. it all feels somehow… perfect… every moment a little bit richer than the last. every day a bit brighter. i cant explain it, but i know im truly living a wonderful life, and if im the only one who believes it then im the only one who believes it, but i wouldnt trade a single moment for a year in anyone else’s skin. not ever. i feel like im standing on top of something huge. something i cant see but its right under my nose.